Tag Archive for 'sales meeting'

Sexual Harassment at Work

The following is a work in progress:

All,

Ted and Anne asked me, in advance of the sales meeting in February, to address the new company policy on sexual harassment.

Many of you may be wondering why I was asked. It really is simple. I’m clearly the best person in the company to address this issue because as we’ve all heard me say a hundred times, “I’m all by myself in Dallas.”

My first day of work was the Immaculate Inception. Hence, I’m without original sin. There is no one here for me to harass. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t since I’ve never been one to harass. Since working conditions are what they are for the rest of the company, Anne and Ted have recognized that I’m best suited to address the topic.

So without further explanation, let me address how we are going to handle ourselves at the sales training session.

First upon arrival at the sales meeting: There will be absolutely no touching. This includes “faire la bise.” We are reviewing this cheek kissing thing and are considering making its practice a firing offense. When this is decided upon, we will make any updates in the personnel manual available on the X drive. You will have to acknowledge that you’ve read the incorporated updates.

Second: Since we’re not going to allow any cheek kissing, it follows that we are going to make hugs out of bounds too.

Third: handshakes are questionable conduct too.

If there must be any physical contact between employees fist bumps are considered the least harmless.

But let us be clear: exploding fist bumps will not be allowed as that clearly leads to a workplace that harbors violence. Exploding fist bumps will result in security being asked to escort you off the premises of the sales meeting. And those Miele guys are tough!

Suggested manner in which to greet the coworker you’ve not seen for a year or more: Simply nod your head in their general direction. Smiles are discouraged as some of you may smile in a brighter fashion toward favorites and less brightly towards those you don’t know as well.